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It is a beautiful property. High upon a hill, buttressed by pine trees, overlooking the Cow Palace, which by any other name would definitely not smell as sweet, the Geneva marks an invulnerable fortress of edutainment. The snack bar is chuck full of goodies, too: a bathroom that is old enough to have some charm, but not so old that it stinks, prewrapped buckets of popcorn for easy transport, and rudish teenage snack bar workers who talk to their boyfriends/girlfriends long enough to remind you that what the drive-in is really about is keeping love alive! One thing which I think may be peculiar to the Geneva is the fact that all four screens are practically in a row. When I was I kid, I remember having to look out of the back window to see scenes of any of the R-rated films playing, but at the Geneva, if at any time (oh! the many times!) I grew bored , I could always glance sidelong and see Ice Cube fight off excessive computer animation or see Jim Carrey do that stuff that he does. But more on that later.
As for the films... they were awful. I first heard about Double Team from its movie billboard: Double Team--Van Damme, Rodman, Rourke. And my first thought was, who in the hell is this "Rourke"? One of the Baywatch women, perhaps? I actually thought of Heather O'Rourke (with modified surname, of course) from the Poltergeist movies before I thought of Mickey Rourke, and she's dead! But "Rourke" actually is Mickey Rourke. It must have been in his contract to get the "surname billing" that's usually reserved for famous people like Belgian actor Claude Van Damme and that Ziggy Stardust of the Hoops and Hardwood, Dennis Rodman.
The movie as a whole is really a blur. I remember that there are a lot of superfluous visual effects mostly made by an arcane device the superspies in the film refer to as the "Image Generator." I also remember something about a spy colony, but I was really stoned (another advantage of the drive-in), so I had enough trouble keeping tabs on the Big 3. "Rourke" plays unstoppable terrorist "Stavros," a kind of sophisticated international type/mysterio man with a lot of edge and a little bit of heart, too. But you gotta wonder why anyone would cast Rourke, who looks like a regular enough joe, as this James Bond villain-wannabe. He looks as out of place here as he did as tan and puffy-cheeked impresario in that Guccione-esque stinker, Wild Orchid. As for Van Damme: If you have made this many films, and not one of them is even decent, then the problem is you!! I'm not afraid of you! I'll take you on anytime! .... Whatever, I went to see Rodman. They should have called the film "Single Team," because it's mostly Van Damme stretching and brooding. But when Rodman is on the screen, he doesn't disappoint: this guy is nuts! His hair is green and then, of a sudden, it's orange. His body is covered in tattoos and piercings, which he and Van Damme spend a majority of their camaraderie scenes discussing. He can't act at all, but man is he nuts! He's certainly poised to be the new Wesley Snipes if he wants to be. They should just make Rodman World Tour: The Movie, so we can get 90 solid minutes of Rodman and only Rodman! Hardcore!
Somewhere along the line, I slipped into a dream in which I'm making out with a high school cheerleader who looks like she'll grow up to look just like Leeza Gibbons (hubba hubba!). And then Dennis Rodman comes up and not only does he announce that he likes to wear strange and interesting clothes, but he starts to show her a tattoo on his buttock. He's just too charming....I don't want to talk about it anymore.
The in-between advertisement for the snack bar was the finest cinema of the evening. In this animated aside, seemingly mild-mannered Clark Crow suddenly sprouts superhero capabilities and promptly rescues his avian buddies from snacklessness by supplying them with twinkly Sprites and colas and impossibly fresh popcorn.
The one thing I can say about BAPS is that I really like the way the name of the movie sounds. We started to watch it, but suddenly two screens down, in what someone in the 1940s would call "oriental writing" appeared two words: "Chris Farley." Needless to say we turned to the side and spent the next 80 minutes or so enjoying Beverly Hills Ninja, which was pretty much the same movie as Double Team with Farley in the Van Damme role. Periodically, I would glance forward to see a mute, but maudlin Martin Landau throw his hands up in confusion over those crazy BAPS, and then twist my neck around to see Chris Farley pull a Benny Hill on a fence post. Then, I would face straight ahead again to see Landau posing in various pimp outfits in the obligatory "dress-up" sequence. To my immediate right, I could seeVal Kilmer's face reflected in what must have been the "electric dreams" of an adoring computer in The Saint; and a dramatic twist even further right would reveal the Estefan-inspired posturing of Jennifer Lopez's Selena. It all added up to a cheap and enduring multimedia experience which I highly recommend.
Darren: Here are some bands/artists that are worse than Boingo.
Double Team/B.A.P.S. at the Geneva Drive-In: April 12, 1997
After seeing the aforementioned double feature at the aforementioned drive-in theatre last Saturday, I am convinced that the drive-in is the best place to see any movie-bar none! It doesn't matter what kind of film you're talking about either. If it's a horror film like last year's fabu Scream, then more power to ya. But I don't doubt that Goddard's Breathless or Kurosawa's Ran would gain just as much spread across a canvas under the stars. In fact, I think the 40th Annual San Francisco Film Festival is doing filmgoers a great disservice by not including the Geneva on its roster of screening houses.Boingomania!
Without any further adieu, I present the five and a half-page length email debate that Joshie Allen (check out his wild and woolly Fireland if you dare!) and I had at UMI InfoStore one Friday. I of course am Pro and Josh is Con. Here you go..
Josh: Erasure is also up there on my worst-of list, but even them, with their lightweight, watered-down techno insipid crap, could kick Boingo's ass eight days a week.
Darren: Boingo's got ska-influenced horns--real horns played by real people--and they've got a grindy guitar sound on some early pre-Dead Man's Party stuff and cartoony vocals are better than popera bilge 9 days of any week.
Josh: Yeah, Sublime has ska-influenced horns, too, but that doesn't stop them from being sublimely shitty. Boingo thinks of themselves as genre-hopping, mixing ska, pop, dance music, rock, etc. into some big party fiesta, but the end result is a soulless pastiche of empty references to superior musicians. Bush, at least, has the taste to rip off their tunes from worthy sources. Who wants to listen to a band that rips off the J. Geils Band?
Darren: Superior musicians? Who, I ask you is superior to the great guitarist, Bartek, who is able to play across the map of diverse styles? Peter "I know two chords" Buck?? Certainly not J. Geils, whose watered-down soul can't compete with Boingo's unique, and, yes, festive, hybrid of the styles you mentioned along with cartoon music and big band ("Goodbye Goodbye"), but then I guess big band, ska, et al aren't as "worthy" as preachy college rock..
Josh: You're right, the Grateful Dead are far, far worse.
Darren: ...yeah!
Josh: Boingo's use of dancing skeletons and big Halloween shows have led to many unfortunate confusions between the two groups....another reason to hate them: they're Dead wannabes.
Darren: If you would look more closely at Boingo's use of skeletons, you'd notice that it has nothing to do with the Harley-ridin' bags o' bones that the Dead use, but it has much more to do with the skeletons used in Mexican Day of the Dead parades; thus, Boingo is a little more multicultural than a lot of your more critically acclaimed bands (the haplessly whitebread REM and Smiths). And if they are able to mix different genres into a big "fiesta"--because they happen to have the musical chops to be able to play them--then, so be it!
Josh: Yes, but if you turn the radio up loud enough and listen to them from another room they approximate Nirvana, which is better than Boingo.
Darren: This reminds me of a girl I met at the free They Might Be Giants Hard Rock Cafe New Year's Blowout (1995). Jason and I were playing "Worst Song by" this or that band and we came to Led Zeppelin. I said "Hats Off to Roy Harper," this garbled pseudo-blues piece of crap. So, this "girl" turns around and says that the song is great, you just have to turn the balance all the way to the left, and turn down the treble. Normally, I would have laughed in her face, but I was so flattered that this girl was talking to me, and it was New Year's Eve and I thought maybe I could really start the year off right, so I turned on the charm and said, "Alright, what do you think is the worst Zeppelin song ever?" She said that she couldn't even think in those terms--you know, Led Zeppelin being so great and everything....yecch! With Boingo, I don't need to adjust the volume, leave the room or do anything with bass or treble, it's all right there....ready to enjoy.
Josh: True, Boingo does not require much adjustment of the stereo; that's because their music is all mixed in an even, dull, radio-friendly fashion, eliminating all dynamics and emotional power, leaving nothing but the musical equivalent of a pap smear. The only adjustment on the stereo that I recommend is cranking the volume to zero, or pitching the album out the window to be chewed on by lice-infested curs or bloated, diseased street rats....the nutritional value of the CD, tape or LP is the only worthwhile aspect of Boingo's musical output.
Darren: You may live in an area where you can pitch albums out a window into a street filled with hungry vermin--I am proud to say that I do not. It would be an interesting experiment, though, to come to your house and throw out a few different albums....I can almost guarantee that what you would see would be some partying curs and rats, getting down to the likes of "Gratitude" and "Good for your soul," and stuffing themselves on a buffet of REM, Smiths and 10,000 Maniacs albums.
Josh: The first concert I ever went to was Jefferson Starship with my stepmother, PLUS I saw Mickey Thomas at a post office in Marin, so no go on that one....besides "White Rabbit" is pretty good.
Darren Well, I'll give you the JS concert and I suppose I'll give you the celebrity sighting--where's a gun-toting postal worker when you need one?--but "White Rabbit"?? Yes, I suppose it's enjoyable as a guilty pleasure, but it's actually a bunch of hippie drivel...and how about a little group called Starship? See my original notes.
Josh: I will take this comment with a grain of salt since it's your inescapable Orange County heritage talking. We built this city (and I'm not talking about Simi Valley) on rock 'n' roll, and someone from SoCal probably wouldn't understand that, nor would they understand what "feed your head" REALLY means.
Darren: You built it on rock 'n' roll alright: a foundation of GRATEFUL DEAD, a pile of JOURNEY, a heap of HUEY LEWIS, top it off with the aforementioned STARSHIP....yeah, I think I understand what FEED YOUR HEAD REALLY MEANS....FEED YOUR HEAD with a bunch of CRAP!
Josh: See #3, though replace Nirvana with Beatles.
Darren: And a little G'N'R Attitude which is unbearable...I'll take the loony antics of Elfman over grumbly, drunken moptops any day of the week!
Josh: Elfman's "loony antics" are nothing more than a desperate attempt to distract the public from his woeful lack of talent, or rather his extremely limited talent, which does NOT include pop songwriting or, obviously, singing. Also, his mistreatment of his bandmates and his swollen, unfounded egotism is infamous and it makes his loony antics ring all the more false.
Darren: These loony antics you so cynically snub are the bread and butter of this "pop music" you claim elfman knows nothing about! I suppose that to the conservative parents of the '50s, Elvis' hip-swiveling seemed like "loony antics" too. Now, we look upon these antics as art. And how limited is the ability to write across many genres? I don't really think that Kurt Cobain, Michael Stipe, or even Peter Wolf (of the previously sorta-touted J. Geils Band) could write music for an orchestra or for more than three or four chords....
Josh: I'll go you one further...Chicago circa 1993, WITHOUT Peter Cetera, who had a small hit that I heard while getting my teeth worked on at the orthodontist, is a better listening experience than any Boingo LP.
Darren: Obviously you haven't heard "The Alphabet Song" from The Forbidden Zone or the inimitable cover of "You Really Got Me" from Only A Lad!
Josh: No, I haven't, thank god.
Darren: Well, yer missing out, bud.
Josh:Now, you're reaching. It's like saying getting a spear in the groin is worse than Independence Day. Still, I'll give props to any band who makes it big because of Family Ties.
Darren: Getting a spear in the groin IS worse than Independence Day, silly. Anyone can see that. Besides, by that time, Family Ties was pretty washed up anyways...
Josh: OF COURSE getting a spear in the groin is worse than ID4. My point was that you were just padding your list by mentioning Billy and the Beaters, a band that doesn't even register on American cultural awareness and doesn't deserve to be discussed or thought about, either positively or negatively.
Darren: Of course, I was padding my list, but are they worse or aren't they?
Josh: I'm a proud owner of Greatest Hits Vol 1 and 2, and my friend who runs the Indestructable Beat of Palo Alto, his dad plays bass in the group and his dad also produced Piano Man, so sit on it, Potsie...
Darren: I've been looking for your friend's dad for a long time. Does the word PAYBACK ring any bells?! "Movin' Out (Anthony's Song)" is the only thing keeping Joel from the firing squad!
Josh: Billy Joel, unlike Danny Elfman, can actually write lyrics. True, "We Didn't Start the Fire" was a woeful moment in American music history, but his ability to evoke complex emotions and detailed character studies in a quick, catchy verse is impressive, especially in his '70s work. Compare "The Stranger" with "Nothing Bad Ever Happens to Me" and you will blush at the trite lyrics you once championed.
Darren: I won't blush. YOU WILL BLUSH:"I just want someone that I can talk to,
I want you just the way you are...."(schmaltz)"Sing me a song, you're the Piano Man
At least the Elfman is original. How original is "You May Be Right"? I think there' s an artist named Elvis Costello who might want a piece of those royalties, Billy...and how about "The Longest Time"...at least Elfman borrows from the genres that make up his influences to form something new, it's not BABY BOOMER NOSTALGIA BULLSHIT!!! (pause..to clean the lumps of puke that cover my keyboard).
Sing me a song tonight"(shit! I bet your friend's dad puked all over the soundboards!)
Josh: I was deeply, disturbingly obsessed with Natalie Merchant in high school....you don't want to go there!
Darren: I'm still obsessed with Natalie Merchant. In fact, I've had incredible fantasies of making her my bride and whisking her away to our own desert island....WHERE SHE CAN'T MAKE ANY MORE MUSIC!!
Josh: Them's fightin' words. Yes, Natalie has her problems, especially lately, but at least she doesn't look like HOWDY DOODY come to life.
Darren: HOWDY DOODY COME TO LIFE?? Not only is that funny, it's kind of scary....and just a little bit rock 'n' roll, too. I'm sure Elfman, influenced as he is by American popular culture, would be flattered by the comparison. He's not self-important like those evil scarecrows, Morrissey and Stipe (I predict that Michael Stipe will legally change his name to "Stipe" in the next two years).
Josh: Agreed, but the Smiths kick ass and being associated with a great band is still 10X better than Boingo, who will only be associated with their own pathetic mediocrity...like UMI!
Darren: The Smiths were quite the great band, but I have to disagree with your final equation, here's mine:
BEING ASSOCIATED WITH A GREAT BAND - ANNOYING THE PUBLIC WITH SOME OF THE MOST WHINY, UNINSPIRED DRIVEL = STILL NOT AS GOOD AS BOINGO.
Josh: Let me offer a polite counter-formula:
SMITHS > MORRISSEY
Darren: This equation is rendered invalid by the fact that Alanis is vastly superior to HOOTIE and a SPEAR IN THE GROIN is superior to everyone else but the Smiths and Boingo. Here's a more complex, less polite counter-counter formula:
MORRISSEY > HOOTIE
HOOTIE > ALANIS
ALANIS > A SPEAR IN THE GROIN
A SPEAR IN THE GROIN > OINGO BOINGO
ALANIS/HOOTIE X 2 MOLES OF MORRISSEY + A SPEAR IN THE GROIN ON A DAILY BASIS FOR ONE CALENDAR YEAR = ME PLAYING GUITAR ON THE STREET IN FRONT OF A TIN CUP STARTING JAN 1, 1997
which, I can guarantee is less appealing than listening to Oingo Boingo even after they abbreviated their name to Boingo.
Josh: REM's last two albums have sucked donkey dick, but Automatic for the People is one of their best and I believe the date on that one is 1993. Granted, the Pee Wee theme is pure greatness, and The Simpsons theme is good, but we're talking about a man who excels at cartoon music and should stick to it, instead of imposing his cartoon mentality to pop music. And why does it take SO MANY DAMN PEOPLE in Oingo Boingo to play that crap? I'd have a lot more respect for them if it was just Elfman and two buddies.
Darren: Does "horn section" mean anything to you? How else can you get the full cartoon effect, anyways? It takes more people to make more original music, I guess. Why does REM need four guys? Can't they just use Peter Buck's guitar tracks from some old REM album instead of him playing the same song over and over? And what's so bad about adding a little cartooniness to the mix? I think that's alot better than mopily apeing classic rock album schtick...I think Automatic is good too, but "Everybody Hurts"?? How about that pseudo-messianic schtick at the end of an otherwise innovative video. You'll never see Elfman bearing any cross, unless it's a goofy cartoon cross made of wieners or balloons!
Josh: Yeah, a horn section means something to me. It means: A) James Brown, and B) a pop group that feels insecure in its songwriting abilities and needs to fill out their empty sound with a nauseatingly derivative horn section (other examples: Huey Lewis, Steve Winwood). I'll give you the end of the "Everybody Hurts" video, but Elfman isn't the wacky non-cross-bearer that you imagine him to be. Check out "Dark at the End of the Tunnel" where Boingo supposedly gets more serious and preachy. Or that antiwar song that came out not too long ago. Oh my GOD, I forgot about that song and just how horrifically bad it was both in content and presentation...and, of course, KROQ, who are solely responsible for Boingo's success, played that record until the freeway shootings reached an all-time high.
Darren: Those songs are strangers to me, but I'll take your word for it and will not listen to them. Why would a group who feels insecure about their songwriting abilities add the burden of having to write horn parts. I'm sure Huey Lewis and Steve Winwood feel perfectly confident about their songwriting abilities. Just because they suck...that's not Elfman's fault. Why not just lump the Godfather of Soul in category "B" while you're at it? He has "loony antics" too.
Josh: No contest. Spin Doctors are pretty bad, but I have absolutely no qualms about defending the rest of the HORDE dorks against Boin-GO. At least they have singers whose voices don't make you want to fire away on innocent businessmen at the Bank of America building.
Darren: I'll have to disagree. When I hear the manly voice of Darius, I'm overtaken by delusions of grandeur that make me want to do nasty stuff. And how about that Blues Traveler guy? At least Elfman isn't a big hippie Cat Stevens rip off!
Josh: Once again, a Cat Stevens rip-off is better than the dull, frathouse tapioca of Boingo...unless we're talking about the Counting Crows.
Darren: "Wake Up, It's 1984"! Frathouse tapioca?? "Capitalism"? It sounds like some fratboys are cryin' revolution! (ok, I'll give you that one...)
Josh: I won't give you this one. Even the worst Pearl Jam song ("Animal," "Not For You") is better than "Only a Lad" and almost all of them are mercifully shorter than the ENDLESS, INFINITE "Dead Man's Party"!
Darren: You said it, not me. That's right: PARTY! Does the phrase "Dance Mix" mean anything to you? Or maybe you'd rather have a good time listening to the phony brooding of Eddie Vedder...
Josh:Yeah, Dance Mix means overlong and monotonous. It means, hey, let's make some MORE money. It means, hey, we don't have any ideas anyway, let's find some hip producer to think of some for us! It means, let's take our song which deserves about 30 seconds and repeat it and repeat it and repeat it...it's a dead man's party..it's a dead man's party...it's a dead man's party...who could ask for more? I could, Danny. I could ask for a whole hell of a LOT more!
Darren:To me, Dance Mix doesn't mean that at all ( I never did reply to this and in order to keep the integrity of the email intact, i'll just say "BOINGO FOREVER"!)
Josh: No way! Have you seen Blind Date? Genius. And he kicks ass over the sugar-coated Opie-ness of Harry Anderson in my book!
Darren: No way backatcha! I'll vote for Harry Anderson any day of the week. At least, he can do some cool card tricks. What can Larroquette do?? "Oh, I can play the one-dimensional mean guy!" Yeah, real tough.
Josh: On John Larroquette's show, there was an episode where Thomas Pynchon supposedly lurked in that bus station and John was excited because Gravity's Rainbow was his favorite book and he had a first edition that he wants signed. In what other sitcom EVER has Pynchon been mentioned, let alone been an active (if unseen) participant? Dave's World (another great idea..let's make a TV show based on a daily humor column--that's right up there with OINGO BOINGO as a name for a band)? I don't think so.
Darren: That IS kind of cool, but I'm not really interested in suffering through all of the other self-indulgent episodes of Larroquette's show in order to get to this gem...and I think Pynchon himself would probably appreciate the mystery and art of a little bit o' slight of hand than the dilletantish ass-kissing of a big, obnoxious fan. whew!
Josh: You know, Darren, I think you're right! I'm going to my local record vendor right now and pick up every Boingo album they have!
Actually Josh didn't really say that. good night.
