PINKSHEET #8

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Welcome to the Pink Sheet, a completely random list of garbled sorta-fact and boldfaced opinion. Here goes.

I was sitting on the floor with my head in my hands not knowing what to do. Joe and his Uncle Gabby had gone out to get beer or food. Monica, the bass player, was messing around on the living room piano with Mike, the manager. That left me alone in Joe's room with the two other teenage members of Sweet Torture: Debbie, who was half-Asian and pretty cute and had the halter top to prove it, bashed on Joe's drumset like a 3 year old. Her technique was to get going with the bass pedal (which she called a marshmallow) and then sort of catch up with the snare and high hat. Jennifer, a skanky blonde with an unfortunate complexion, was playing muffled power chords on Joe's Les Paul custom. The torture was anything but sweet.

Once in a while, they would take notice of me huddled in fear. "Are you OK?" One of them would say in a voice that sounded like it was coming from a sneer. I was not OK, far from it; I was uncomfortable--too socially awkward to speak and yet excited to be in the same room with two sexually active rocker chicks. In my fetal position, I was praying that one of them might take pity on me and, quickly and efficiently, relieve me of my virginity.

That's just a sweet taste, babies! For more, get down to my , modified My First.... section (formerly called "First Date"), wherein you can read about My First Concert, which only has to do with the above insomuch as I went arm-in-arm to that brain-shattering event with Joe and his Uncle Gabby. Here are some more personally revealing "Firsts" of my life which you can look for in the weeks to come:

Early May Entertainment TOP 10

  1. THE APACHE WHISKEY RITUAL!
  2. Biography's Peter Graves pronounces charisma like this: CHAREEZMA.
  3. MOTHER'S DAY CARD: the front of the card has a picture of a middle aged lady with a surprised look on her face. Click on the caption to see what's inside.
    "You're under arrest, ma'am."

  4. Great songs by lesser members of classic rock bands such as
  5. Claris
  6. My dream band:
    Phil Chen-bass...no one can lay down a stone groove like Mr. Phil Chen. Rod Stewart knows that if you want to keep the party simple, but you also want to have a lot of ladies doin' the bump, Phil's your man!
    Patsy Cline-vox...she's dead and probably doesn't really go with any of the other musicians in this bunch, but can you think of a better singer? I, for one, can not.
    Me-drums...I may not be the best, but I wanna play, too.
    Nils Lofgren-guitar...hey, if he was good enough for the Boss, he's good enough for me.
    Lol Tolhurst-keyboards...Robert Smith kicked him out of the Cure because he couldn't play, but Lol you can jam with my band and we'll open up for the Cure and kick their ass and then you can laugh along with all of us at that asshole Bob!
  7. "Words and Guitar"-Sleater-Kinney
  8. I just got off the phone with my sister who, with her husband, Tony, had dinner with Pernel "Sweet Pea" Whitaker, who I guess is a pro-boxer. Tony was shocked that my sister didn't know who he was, and when I said I also didn't know, he stated, matter of factly, "That's pretty sad that you don't know that. You're an American. You're an American."
    When my sister got back on the line, I could still hear him yelling in the background: "You're an American! Hey Darren, you're an American!"
  9. Open Season starring Comedy Central staple Robert Wuhl...Strikingly original and the best media parody since Network.
  10. Thanks, Pam! That Dr. Octagon is incredible!

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