Yo! V9 is here finally. I had to take a BREATHEr (I was about to
get a little BRAIN DAMAGE), but even so, I've been taking a lot of
flack from the press (they've got me ON THE RUN) but now I'm back and
better than ever lookin' for that GREAT GIG IN THE SKY and as my man
Stone Cold says, "That's the bottom line."
So, I don't wanna hear any more this'n'that, 'cause we gotta stick
together. It's US AND THEM, after all. I'm not in this for the MONEY,
baby! I just needed a little TIME to get my thing together. I promise
not to let the job ECLIPSE what I'm tryin' to do here. No sir!
SPEAK TO ME!
LOVE,
D.
P.S. You can make it ANY COLOUR YOU LIKE (as long as its
'pink').
P.P.S. Much thanks to JOSHIE
for his expert assistance in the creation of the magic below.
Without getting too foreshadowy as far as this whole PINK FLOYD
thing goes (you'll understand when you read on), I really have to
mention The Wall right here at the beginning of a
couple of paragraphs on a subject that I love (and yes he's as cuddly
as a BEANIE
BABY, so that could mean some twisted form of romantic love, I
guess). The subject is none other than Pulitzer Prize winning film
critic Roger Ebert and the reason that I mention The
Wall is because the album is the story of an artist who,
under the straps of that mental illness called "fame," not only loses
touch with his audience but with reality itself. It could be the
story of Roger Ebert.
I know what you're thinking....that I refer to the Young Ebert,
co-creator of the masterpiece, Beyond the Valley of the
Dolls. But that screenplay is actually pretty coherent and
as a satire is much more connected to the real world than many of the
film reviews that Ebert's written since. One need only take a look at
a volume of his yearly best seller, Movie Home
Companion to see this. It frightens me that regular folks
are slapping this stuff onto their coffee tables. Let's let genius
speak for itself:
"Rourke occupies the center of the film like a violent unmade bed," from a review of Angel Heart.
"And I began to wonder what it was with Max J. Rosenberg [the film's producer] and the coleslaw. Is he in fact a cabbage? Does he want to turn into one? Has his soul been occupied by a rabbit?..." from a review of Asylum.
"Dangerfield brings...something they [Groucho Marks or WC Fields] might also have brought along: a certain pathos. Beneath his loud manner, under his studied obnoxiousness, there is a real need. He laughs that he may not cry," from a review of Back to School.
"...if you really stop to think about it...Bambi is a parable of sexism, nihilism, and despair.."
"A nerd is not a nerd because he understands computers and wears a plastic pen protector in his shirt pocket. A nerd is a nerd because he brings a special lack of elegance to life. An absence of style...A nerd is a nerd from the inside out which is something the nerds who made this movie will never understand," from a review of Revenge of the Nerds II.
"The heroine of this movie is a young woman who designs hats. They are truly hideous hats, designed to bring embarrassment and ridicule to those who wear them, but never mind what the hats look like. The important thing is, how does the designer feel about her hats? I have no idea....She looks at them as if they were her fingernail clippings--once a part of her, but not important, and now no longer even attached," from a review of Slaves of New York.
"Kids are not stupid. They are among the sharpest, cleverest, most eagle-eyed creatures on God's Earth and very little escapes their notice. You may not have observed that your neighbor is still using his snow tires in mid-July, but every four-year-old on the block has...," from a review of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
"Kelly LeBrock is wonderful as the fantasy woman, because she plays the character, not for sex, but for warmth and an almost motherly affection for these two kids. 'All you have to do is command me,' she says at one point. 'You created me. You are my master.' It could be soft porn. But the way she says it, her voice has a wink," from a review of Weird Science.
"Stand up comedy is the nation's newest spectator sport, and any city worth its salt now has one or more comedy clubs, in which one "comic" after another is thrown to the wolves. What's really going on here? Is it really just a case of amateurs dreaming of getting into show biz? Or is it something deeper and sicker?...why a whole evening of nothing but comedy? Nobody wants to laugh that much...It's some kind of masochistic rite that has little to do with humor...," from a review of Punchline.
I actually did this, that is watched the Wizard of Oz on mute while listening to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. Here is an abridged list of the odd coincidences, for a full list including the synchronicities that result when repeating the album, click here.
When I first heard about the coincidences described above, I knew that they had to be planned. Of course, all of the members of Pink Floyd deny any premeditation on their part and its only after discovering a similar phenomenon with my own 15+ hour autobiographical film and the nine albums Led Zeppelin released during their career proper (I'm not counting the collection of outtakes known as Coda), that I believed them. Is this something that poltergeists do in their off-hours for kicks?? Here's a convenient table with only some of the coincidences that surprised me as much as I am sure they will you:
|
Album |
Song |
????????? |
|---|---|---|
|
Led Zeppelin |
"Good Times, Bad Times" |
Plays just as Thich Naht Hanh and I are watching a montage of my "Good" and "Bad" times on a screen not unlike that featured in Billy Joel's "Pressure" video. |
|
"Babe, I'm Gonna Leave You" |
Just as Robert Plant sings, "Babe, babe, babe...," I'm being born. | |
|
Led Zeppelin II |
"Whole Lotta Love" |
Just as Robert Plant sings "I'm gonna send you back to schoolin', I'm actually walking to school. |
|
Led Zeppelin III |
"That's the Way" |
Just as Robert Plant sings "I saw you kissing tiny flowers," I'm actually doing just that. Feeling rejected by my 7th grade peers, I go to a nearby field of flowers, my only friends. |
|
zoso |
"Stairway to Heaven" |
This song actually corresponds exactly to the unplugged rendition that vocalist Tom Shokes (in an arresting cameo by Gary Oldman) and Joe Penano (Keanu Reeves) (it's Halloween and Joe is dressed as Richard Ramirez, a Satanist/serial murderer) give my 11th grade History class when my teacher Mrs. Clayborne brings in her guitar to sing a song she's written about Shays' rebellion. |
|
Houses of the Holy |
"Dancin' Days" |
I'm dancing at the prom with my date, Kelly Jo Hansen (Mary Stuart Masterson) |
|
"The Ocean" |
This song ends the album and it's the last album Led Zeppelin made before forming the Swan Song label. All this happens just as I am leaving OC for Santa Cruz. | |
|
Physical Graffiti |
"Custard Pie" |
Coincides with a flashback sequence of my dad throwing a pie in the face of a Junior College administrator. |
|
"Bron-Yr-Aur" |
This 2 minute acoustic number begins as the Loma Prieta quake begins and ends as the quake ends | |
|
Presence |
"Nobody's Fault But Mine" |
"M-m-m-monkey on my back, back...," Robert Plant sings as I stumble around drunk on the streets of Takamatsu and cover a new jacket with puked up Udon noodles. |
|
The Song Remains the Same |
"Whole Lotta Love"(live) |
My girlfiend dumps me. |
|
In Through the Outdoor |
"Hot Dog" |
This album begins at the same time as does my spiritual quest for self. During "Hot Dog," a strange man in a red suit (in a cameo by Greg Franklin) tries to get me to eat a hot dog to turn me from my recently adopted vegetarianism. |
|
"I'm Gonna Crawl" |
In the film's final sequence I am crawling across a great desert as Roger Ebert and several beautiful women call to me from a hot tub that seems impossible to reach. |
Here are some not-so definite plans for the future.
Riding on the CalTrain over 12 hours a week has brought me in
touch with more than a few "strangeys." Here's a taste:
I have this amazing ability to make the people I
want to sit next to me on trains, busses, planess, etc. sit somewhere
else and the people I don't want to sit next to me sit next to
me.
So, she sits down. She must weigh about 300 pounds. She has big
bright blue eyes that are really close together like a doll's
eyes.
I know before she does that she will speak to me. The first thing she
says to me is fairly normal (if it is, in fact, normal to start
speaking with a complete stranger who is reading, or in this case
pretending to read, a book at the time): "Today is Bike to Work Day,"
she wheezes (it's like she can barely breathe).
"Oh, really," I mumble without looking up and go back to my book. "I
used to ride every day but then I got into an accident...See!" She
exclaims and I look up to see her pointing to a scar on her huge,
globular knee cap.
I tell her that's too bad. Now, I am sort of interested. At this
point, I would not be surprised if she were to suddenly shreik, "You
wanna see my bottom! Look at my bottom." She's just that type of
person.
But thankfully she tires of me and pulls out a small tupperware bowl
and sort of cup. The bowl is full of Fruit Loops and the cup is full
of just the right amount of milk. She eats the cereal sloppily
letting it dribble down her chin.
Just then, a Woody Allen looking guy gets up to move his bike and
passes by her and says, "Ah, Fruit Loops."
"No, these are Fruity Os from Safeway," she says without looking
up.
"Mmm, Fruity Os."
"That's what they're called," she almost shouts back and continues
with her slobbering.
Is a conductor.
Stands between the seats where I and the attractive middle-aged
German woman with whom I'm speaking are sitting.
Makes sure to watch the German woman bend over to un-bungie her
bicycle.
Comes over to my seat carrying a copy of the latest
Metro
in his hand.
Points to the cover which depicts a couple dressed a-la
Austin Powers.
Tells me that he thinks the woman's skirt is very high.
Says that a female passenger on an earlier train had shown him the
cover and said, pointing to the woman, "What if 'that' had nuts. Bet
you would see something then!"
Tells me that he wanted to laugh at what the passenger said, and that
if a man had told him that he would have.
Tells me that you have to be careful at laughing at something like
that in front of a woman because they'll catch you.
Tells me that you have to be careful.
Hit the head upside with dye and wiffle ball bats/flexin' text in DBF and ASCII formats...that's right. This year missiles were flyin' at the 1ST INT'L EMAIL RHYME OFF. Contestants lit a PALE FIRE like Vladimir Nabakov. MC Joshie came in camoflauge, a military phalanx his entourage. MC Patty was a baddie, clockin' more statues than Hepburn. Leslie five-lined it with a limerick during her turn. Frankie burned some rubber and a few waistbands. Slip D caressed the mic with more chaste hands.