I HAD HEARD THE WHISPERED TALES OF IMMORTALITY...

issue 3

NO, I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!

Perhaps the most moving moment in this year's Oscar broadcast was the 2 minute-long silent memorial for the victims of the Titanic. James Cameron is such a sincere man and it's wonderful that he cared enough about the victims to feature some of them in his splendid love story. It's equally amazing that we, his fans, were able to hold back the tears during his heartfelt memorial. So, rather than launching into a commentary on this year's show (which in spite of some fancy footwork by the Men in Black dancers, was pretty typical), I would like all of you to spend 2 MORE minutes of silence remembering that great vessel and its unfortunate cargo. If you need to concentrate on the picture of an artist who "enhances" the significance of his work with the misfortune of others in a very Cameron-like way, feel free to use the picture of Sting and friend above.

Or, should you need it.... here's a picture of the king himself for you to contemplate...to keep you nice and moved.

Ahh...that was righteous! It felt good, didn't it? It's no wonder that all of Hollywood is following Cameron's lead. Steven Spielberg, at a recent dinner given to commemorate his work, asked that dinner guests eat the entire meal in silence as a memorial to those who were not "fortunate enough to be on Schindler's List or to be aboard the Amistad." And as you read this, extravagant film makers everywhere are ploughing through history books for other elderly disasters that they can soup up with computer effects and beautiful actors.

Here are a few projects under development:

1906...Kevin Costner follows up his disdained Postman with this lavish (projected cost $275 million) recreation of the 1906 San Francisco earthquake. Young and wealthy Jack Sutro (Ben Affleck) and poor but beautiful Willamina (Claire Danes) find love among the ruins. Only 1,000 - 1,500 people died in the quake, but Costner insists that enough people were inconvenienced by it to warrant "at least 2 and a half minutes of silence....and besides the Academy owes me for Dances with Wolves."

The Great Chicago Fire...Director Michael Cimino hopes to make a comeback with his expensive recounting of the events leading up to and following the Great Chicago Fire of 1871. He hopes that young stars Skeet Ulrich and Neve Campbell can create at least as much heat as the computer-generated flames. Kathy Bates is rumored to play Mrs. O'Leary, owner of the infamous cow who started the conflagration by kicking over a bucket or something. While there were only 250 deaths that resulted from the disaster, hundreds of thousands of people were left homeless, so Cimino stands a chance of getting a minute of silence out of some audience or other.

Bhopal...Tim Robbins follows up his acclaimed Dead Man Walking with the story of a more recent disaster: the 1984 accidental ejection of lethal methyl isocyanate gas from a Union Carbide plant which killed 2,000 people almost instantly and has led to at least 8,000 more deaths since. A fictional journalist to be played by Helen Hunt and a Red Cross volunteer played by Denzel Washington create some interesting chemistry of their own. The controversial nature of the disaster coupled with the modern setting might hurt Robbins, but with such a high death toll, next year's Academy Awards might have to leave an extra 30 minutes open for a silent tribute.

THE KENNIES

It's that time of the year again. When the Oscars have been handed out, Billy Crystal gets put back in his box and bona fide 1998 films are in the theaters. Yes, it's time for the Kennies. The Kenny is the most coveted of all awards and this may be because only ten of them are given out every year. We who decide on the Kenny do not fuss with superfluous awards for Best Make Up, Visual Effects, Director, Actor or Actress...there's only one category and that's Best Picture. Every picture is nominated and ten are chosen.

After careful deliberation behind locked doors in a secret sealed chamber, the Consortium (a much more exclusive organization than the Academy) has made its choices. Here are this year's winners of the coveted Kenny and why....

Chasing Amy-for all its flaws (particularly the ending), this is simply the best and most accurate film about relationships that I've ever seen. The dialog, though at times overwritten, is always insightful and the acting is infused with a sincerity rarely seen in Hollywood and besides Kevin Smith has pretty nice boobs.
Schizopolis-Steven Soderberg's masterpiece....virtually indescribable....and he's also more homely than a lot of other directors.
Boogie Nights-its only problem is that it is derivative (Director/Writer Anderson has watched Goodfellas and Pulp Fiction more than a few times). The acting is perfect, the attention to detail unequaled, and the scene with the firecrackers is, as consortium member A. Margosian would say, "Billy Crystal Free!"
The Sweet Hereafter-Atom Egoyan makes sadness evocative and ethereal once again with this tale of a bus accident and the lives that revolve around it. Heavy-handed at times but still neat enough to be up there on the list and besides I hear that he's fairly Canadian with the ladies.
Ma Vie En Rose-heavily influenced by Peter Jackson's Heavenly Creatures but taking a sweeter approach. Well acted but no Bob Dylan cameo.
L.A. Confidential-not as great as everyone says it is, but solidly impressive with a twisty plot that is as good as anything since The Usual Suspects and director Curtis Thomas is one in a million, girl!
Fire-underrated Indian film about a mother and daughter-in-law who are banished for having an affair. Not as grim as that premise would usually entail, always witty, surprising and moving, Fire is worth a rent especially if you enjoy crabby old people who are too old to do anything but whisper and spit (yep, i do!).
Waiting for Guffman-a strong satire that suffers only in the comparisons to This is Spinal Tap it may evoke because of the presence of Christopher Guest. A stellar cast...if there were a Kenny for Best Supporting Actor, it would certainly go to Fred Willard (and not to Eugene Levy, who is still a handsome man).
The Fifth Element-unique and refreshing in that it refuses to take the future seriously. The set designs are the best since Blade Runner and some of the satire is precise enough to make you forget that there isn't much plot and that Bruce Willis is a hairy thug.
Titanic-overblown but well crafted with a talented cast and an old time Hollywood sappiness that's usually entertaining especially when Kate Winslet shows off those Picassos.

EVERYTHING IS REALLY WRONG

Speaking of movies that didn't get recognized, some zany things have been happening on the set of Everything is Wrong lately. Cast members are trying to joke around and have as much fun as possible under the semi-tyrannical direction of Thomas Schlamme, who in the words of leading man Eric Stoltz is the "Otto Preminger of the '90s, man." Jackie Chan, who plays benign English School President, Kaname Hayashi agrees: "I do not take orders. I am Jackie Chan. I could direct this film myself. You think Stanley Tong ever gave me this shit? I'm going to turn Schlamme into salami!"

Some of the practical jokes that cast members have pulled off under Schlamme's nose have been fairly elaborate. Spiritual leader Thich Nhat Hanh, who plays himself, and Brad Pitt who has a cameo as deceased rocker Kurt Cobain, replaced the production's entire toilet paper supply with fly paper. Wesley Snipes (who plays Keelan "Sweet Key" Hayes) didn't find the joke too amusing. Janeane Garafolo, who plays love interest Phoebe Motto, added some Ex-Lax to the cat food supply causing Mittens, who plays cuddly feline Caesar, to soil the trailer in which Eric Bogosian (who plays record collector/scholar Aaron Margosian) and Joan Chen (paramour, Sanae Shigemasa) were...um...uh..."sleeping."

Schlamme throws his hands up in disgust, saying "It'll be a miracle if this picture ever gets finished!"

Schlamme's sentiments are understandable since practical jokes are the least of his worries. He's also had to contend with writer/producer Darren Norris' constant screenplay changes. Norris is making up the film as he goes along and will throw out scenes even after hundreds of takes. As a treat for KEN readers, Norris and Schlamme have agreed to print some dialog from scenes that were cut from the film. Here are a few that they didn't think were worth leaving in....you be the judge...

Darren (Eric Stoltz) and Greg Franklin (Nicholas Cage) are watching the 1995 Oscars when Myra Sorvino wins the Best Supporting Actress award....

Darren-I think Paul is crying because he's never won an Oscar.
Greg-Yeah, but it's all pretty cute. Don't you think it's cute?
Darren-It's cute...whatever...
Greg-She went to Harvard.
Darren-What's up with that? All these stars go to Ivy League Schools! Jodi Foster went to Yale or something...Brooke Sheilds, too....
Greg-Myra speaks fluent Chinese,too.
Darren- That's awesome. Chinese is hard. But who gives a shit!?
Greg-Hey, you shouldn't mess with someone who speaks Chinese!
Darren-Why not?
Greg(pausing)...Nevermind.
Darren-What?!
Greg-You wouldn't understand!
Darren-So.... just tell me!
Greg-You don't want to mess with someone who speaks Chinese because they might use the secret word!
Darren-What secret word?!
Greg-I don't speak Chinese, so how would I know?
Darren-There's no secret word...that's totally the Norris side talkin'!
Greg-Fine! Don't believe me! I just wouldn't be saying that around Chinatown if I were you....you could get into some trouble...

A Merchant-Ivory inspired dream sequence in which Darren and almost every roommate with whom he has ever lived (during the film the period covers, that is...which is from 1969 to April 1997) are at a party....this would of course include Al Shatsky (Mike Myers), Evan Hartzell (Chris Isaac), Jeff Demoff (Rob Morrow), Mike Kelleher (Bill Paxton), Jason Heffel (Penn Gilette), Greg Franklin (Nicholas Cage), Roland V. Wilson III (Henry Winkler), Julie Bridge (Jenny McCarthy), Matt Slater (Robert Downey Jr./Mike Judge's Butthead in the animated segment), Mark Nelson (Tim Roth) and Richard Hall (Steve Buscemi in an unbilled cameo)....

Julie-My word, but this house needs tending.... take the lavatory for example...it's highly unsatisfactory....
Jason-'Tis true our bathroom is covered with hairs and what not... but from careful observation, I've determined that they're not all of masculine origin....
Jeff-Ho! ho! I'm quite amused by this colloquy...but I shall without further entreaty, investigate the situation on my own as my very immediate need of the facilities tends toward more prurient ends.
Greg-This discourse vexes me...I shall retreat to my smoking pipe and etchings.
Mark-Ah, etchings! Splendid! There's nothing I find more enhancing lest it be of a culinary bent.
Richard-Yes, your creativity is indeed impressive. 'Tis a pity that convention so often binds us...oh (sigh) society and all its norms!....have you seen my snuff box?
Mike-Etchings are fine for the ladies! I myself prefer sport and the out of doors....there's no ailment that a jolly bout of fisticuffs could not cure!
Darren-In such wretched activities I shall decline to participate....shall I crank up the gramophone!?
Evan-Don't be silly! We shall play right here and now!
Jason-I am not of the disposition to perform at present...please carry on.
Al-I believe I will join in the etching and the partaking of the smoking pipe...
Matt (to Julie)-Excuse me, fair maiden, thou of perfume most fair, I wonder if it would be of little trouble for your fine person to proffer unto one of your new admirers a small and insignificant morsel of that fine crumpet...?
Roland-She shall do nothing of the kind....but I daresay you are most welcome to indulge your appetites on the newborn's pudding of which I now partake! I daresay if it is nutriment enough for a babe, it is nutriment enough for a hearty man!

THE FUTURE

As for the "future," here are a couple things that you can look forward to....

First Date parts II and III- At least one of these should be up in a week or so... but I may as well announce them now.
XXX-If you haven't emailed me already for the XXX password, and you've got a stout heart and open mind, you should do so now, because I'm going to add a bunch of hot and nasty new stuff and if you don't have access, you'll be left out and all of your friends will laugh at you....
the chocolate thing...
Big D's Record Guide only contains an intro and a single article now...but, let me tell you, it's going to explode into a fully fleshed, electric, superguide before you know it, so keep checkin'....

Here are a couple of things that you will not see....well, at least not in the near future....

KenCam-As much as I would like to show off my laundry-laden room (and of course all the action I'm gettin'!), it's not in the budget yet. But go to Yahoo (I'd put a link here, but I hate when links change and then I have to update them) and look for WozCam on which you can watch Steve Wozniak eat McDonald's, snore and preach the gospel.
Yearbook-This is the grand metropolis of hopes and dreams...someday it will come to pass, but it's going to take awhile....
Flying Cellphone Poem

...do it ('til you're satisfied)....