issue 4
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issue 4
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If you've checked up on me in the past few weeks, you may have seen the above banner floating in the black ether of a KEN-less universe. You may wonder what that was all about. Did the Sturm und Drang of a life sacrificed to banausic drudge finally swallow our hero and his chrestomathies in one fell swoop only to leave this thaumaturgic omen behind? Did the billingsgate of an orgulous WWW panjandrum force yours truly to stanch an argosy of ideas and retreat into a fruitless brown study? Did our harried hero, in his frustration, attempt suicide by defenestration? Oh, enough of this bunkum! Maybe it's a little bit of all of the above. Let's just say I decided to throw out some stuff. The banner was a place-holder for an undercooked mess of ideas I've unfortunately had to shove back in the oven. They may or may not turn up later. I liked the banner, though, so I kept it. Here's some fun: if you can name the album that "inspired" the above, email me the answer along with a simple poem (haiku, waka, sonnet, etc.) about the band. Include your mailing address and I'll send you a mysteriously mutated/autographed dollar bill.
Enough of this persiflage! Here's the midsummer issue:
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| The Corpse of Chris Farley cavorting around the set of Weekend at Bernie's III. |
Since this has become my midsummer issue, I guess I'll have to devote a little space to one of my favorite topics: summer movies. Summer '98 is shaping up to be a fairly typical summer: CGI-powered blockbusters like Godzilla abound. The X-Files fills in the Star Trek slot. Bruce Willis is back as meat-and-potatoes everyman/savior of the Universe (the role he's played in 90% of his movies) in the vulgar Armageddon. Harrison Ford is present in the annual vehicle he manages to squeeze out between Japanese TV commercial appearances. This year, the muddled Six Days and Seven Nights is the beneficiary of his longeval charisma. I even hear that Jamie Lee Curtis is out for Sigourney Weaver's "sci-fi/action bitch" crown with some movie called Virus. This is all comforting. But there is something missing--that perennial summer favorite: the sequel.
The sequel is like Hollywood's back porch hammock, its toasty grill, its tall cool glass of lemonade. I look forward to the birth of new sequels even if I don't always go to see them in the theater. I just like knowing they're around. But this year we only get one measly offering--another installment in the flat, straight-to-video worthy Lethal Weapon series. Lethal Weapon 4? I predict that it will not clear enough to cover the on-set catering bills. A more lucrative gambit might have been to release a sequel to National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon.
Come on, Hollywood! Where's my T3? My ID5? My Grumpiest Old Men? My Vampire Lestat? My JFK, JR.?
Well, I suppose we'll have to sit this summer out. But there is good news. We only have to wait a few more months. Come this fall, look for the following sequels at your local art house:
J.R.R Tolkien's classic trilogy The Lord of the Rings has long touched children and adults of all ages. Its classic tale of adventure and the triumph of good over evil has a timeless appeal. It is the blueprint for just about every fantasy-oriented role-playing or computer game. The trilogy has influenced everyone from rock stars like Led Zeppelin and the Beatles (there was talk of the Beatles filming Tolkien's classic. Paul was slated to play Frodo, George to play Gandalf, Ringo, Frodo's ever faithful companion Samwise, and John would have played Gollum, and how about that Norwegian Wood? Holy "Elbereth! Gilthoniel"!) to George Lucas (Luke Skywalker is slightly Frodoesque, the desert planet Tatooine is removed as the Shire from the major events of its respective milieu, and Obi Wan is obviously influenced by Gandalf). What many don't know is the influence Lord has had on another group: potheads. "Pipe-weed" is mentioned many times throughout the trilogy. See how much of a "Tolker" you are by taking this short quiz!
One of the greatest things that the web has had to offer is Merriam-Webster's Word of the Day, an entirely free service in which the folks at M-W email you a new, really obscure vocabulary word every single gall-durned day. I subscribe to it (as if you couldn't guess that from the intro) and you should, too (at least while it's still free). In keeping with the web tradition of free educational services, I've decided to offer my own "word(s) of the interdeminate period of time," the Ken Vocabulary Boost, a list of new and exciting vocabulary words that you're unlikely to find anywhere else. Here's this issue's list.
The drunken paramedic couldn't help but let the siren blast out a few celines during his off-duty joy ride.
"There's something altogether too emmerichy about all this," Jane thought as she installed Windows 98 on her PC.
The health bar company payed millions for a gotmilk in hopes that it would distract from the fact that their product contained rust.
Lou knew if he let the captain of the football team copy his homework assignment, he could paltrow, which would be easier than trying to make important friends through his own efforts.
The writers of Babylon 5 know they will have to hire a scully if they want to increase their ratings.
When the strip club patron tried to stuff a $5 bill in between the breasts of the dancer, the bill fell through her tori into his watered-down beverage.
Though the old relief pitcher surprised everyone with his performance in the playoffs, he travoltaed during the World Series and was cut from the team.
